


The music of life and lies

by linabauer



Series: once upon a time i liked black, but now all i see is gold, blood and the dead [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: BAMF Natasha Romanov, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Gen, Kid Natasha Romanov, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Has Issues, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, POV Natasha Romanov, Psychopathology & Sociopathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:01:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27341650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linabauer/pseuds/linabauer
Summary: Traits of a sociopath // Natasha Romanoff, Natalia Alianovna Romanova, Natalie Rushman, Agent, Auntie, Assassin, Assistant, Avenger, Spy
Relationships: Natasha Romanov & Avengers Team
Series: once upon a time i liked black, but now all i see is gold, blood and the dead [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953565
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	The music of life and lies

> _**Traits of a sociopath** _

1: Glibness and superficial charm

Natalia is coy smiles and burning gazes. Natalia is flame, beautiful, exotic, hypnotic. Natalia is alluring, and she knows it. She wields her sexual prowess and looks like a weapon, so that even uptight men will fall for her, think they can own her.

Natalia is not surprised S.H.I.E.L.D. sends her to go undercover as a billionaire playboy's assistant.

He's quite the genius, but also somehow an idiot. It would be charming, really, if not destructive.

Natalia knew how to spin webs and make people dance to her tune. This one wouldn't be any different.

(She was right, the man had no idea what had hit him before she stabbed a needle into his neck)

2:Manipulative and Conning

If soldiers used guns as their weapons, Natalia's was her pretty poisoned lies.

The best lies were always mixed with truth, Madame had said.

Natalia was a blank canvas, she was everyone and no one. She was water, she was ever changing, no certain personality.

Natalia knew how to play with people. They were her instruments, and she knew which strings to pluck to make them scream or sing.

Natalia had played her first husband so well, so well that he was still screaming her name as Natalia choked the life out of him.

Alexei Shostakoff was a good agent, but no match for her natural talent and skills honed over decades since 5.

Madame had smiled one of her rare smiles. Natalia had gone to bed with hot borsch for the first time in her life.

Natalia knew how to survive.

3:Grandiose sense of self

Natalia had never been denied anything or anyone ever since she took up the mantle of Black Widow.

Natalia was always the prettiest. Natalia was always the fastest. The smartest. The most talented.

Natalia didn't really care for useless platitudes, only the benefits that came with them.

Natalia was made for this. Made for the killing, the serving, the chaos was where she thrived.

Natalia was pure ambrosial, and the world was on its knees before her, before the Red Room.

They just didn't know it yet.

4:Pathological lying

Natalia was an assassin, she was everything the Red Room raised her to be. A child of the KGB, daughter of a genocidal organisation.

When the time came for her to say goodbye to S.H.I.E.L.D., for her to choose between her life or S.H.I.E.L.D.'s tarnished glory, it was a very easy decision.

But it was not for the others. Not the Captain, who had found a new home. Not the Deputy, who had literally spent half her life working here, recruited fresh out of college and a year of Marines. Not the new guy, who knew what it represented and its foundations. Not to mention the countless other agents.

Natalia would burn the whole world to ashes if she needed to. She's an enhanced, semi-immortal assassin, might as well live life to the fullest.

Natalia cried crocodile tears as she drags the Captain out from a river.

Sentiment would be the death of him.

Natalia became aggressive as the Congress attacked S.H.I.E.L.D. and questioned its leadership.

Natalia lied and slandered her way through hearing after hearing, interrogation after interrogation, lie detector after another.

Natalia had always been such a beautiful story teller, weaver of life and lies.

5:Lack of remorse, shame or guilt

When Banner had Hulk-ed out, when Natalia was confronted with the scenario of her life and mission over Banner's dignity and internalised fear, Natalia had her priorities straight.

The ex-Deputy had ordered her to keep Banner under control, to help Banner get over his phobia and learn to control the monster under his skin rather than evade it and neglect it.

Natalia knew what it was like to have demons crawling inside.

The only difference, Natalia thinks detachedly as she watches Banner fall, is that she was much more than her demons, and she conquered them instead of letting them haunt her life.

When Stark had questioned her (they always blamed first, calmed down later), when Captain had badgered her, when Barton (he was such a loyal pet, just like his dog Lucky) had given her looks of sympathy (presumably from the romance they all thought she had tried to pursue with Banner), Natalia had given a sad, resigned smile and shook her head.

These people, these instruments of the world's destruction, would never understand.

(They were too tainted by their emotions, by their pasts. Natalia was fortunate enough to not have both. A gift she used wisely.)

Hill had given her a sharp nod, eyes lined with disappointment but understanding. Carter, who had come to visit, gave her a bottle of her favourite vodka.

S.H.I.E.L.D.'s finest indeed.

6:Shallow emotions

"Did you know?" Stark whispers, tears swimming in his eyes.

"Yes, I made the call to keep this from you. You could not be compromised. This knowledge would change nothing. Had you hunted down HYDRA for revenge, you would have been dead. It's nothing personal," Natalia levelly says.

"You sick bitch," Tony snarls, and moves to punch her.

Colonel Rhodes restrains him as he flails and kicks.

"You know, Romanoff, I'm a little disappointed in you, but I understand where you're coming from," Rhodes says.

"People usually let their pre-conceived notions and judgement cloud their decision making process. I simply don't. I never expected Stark to thank me. I'm informing you as a courtesy. If I wanted to be gone, not even you would be able to find me. Pro tip, alcohol won't solve your problems. Your unresolved traumas with your parents, Stark, should be buried soon. They wouldn't want you to live your life pining over their graves. Make them proud."

"It's hard to know what would make them proud because they're dead thanks to Barnes, isn't it?" Stark spits.

"I wouldn't know, I don't have a childhood. You did, no matter how messed up. Revisit your memories. You are your parents' legacy. You call me a sick bitch, I call you a self-absorbed train-wreck of a genius. Get yourself together. Do something, its no use crying over spilt milk. What's done is done, not even Barnes can take it back. Even the merest possibility would crumble your will. Good day Stark, Rhodes," Natalia says, placing her hat back on and disappearing into the throngs of people shopping.

7:Need for stimulation

Natalia got back into the business of being a mercenary.

Old contacts, new identities. Same old same old, although she was now much pickier with her missions.

Barton would have a fit, and that wouldn't do. He would be relentlessly annoying.

The usual kill jobs, information extraction. Boring, normal. She could pull them off in her sleep.

Natalia's peeling her apple with a knife when her perimeter alarms are triggered.

Heavy footsteps, disguised. One-two, one-two, one-two-two. Two people. Same build, one heavier than the other.

Natalia checks her camera feed and sees the good Captain and his sidekick Falcon.

"You know, I said for emergencies only," Natalia drawls.

"Aw, we missed you too," Falcon grins and Natalia snorts.

"You've got a cozy set up here," Captain says, as Natalia restrains herself from chopping off the hand that wandered out to touch her prized guns.

"Life's good. Got a few more jobs for the season. October, November and December are always the months with highest crime rate."

"She's playing a cop now old man, we have to up our game of being vigilantes," Falcon mock gasps, nudging the Captain.

"Avengers are now a mockery of Fury's ideas. The Avengers aren't the police, they are only pulled together for situations the usual police can't handle. Now it’s a government pet project. Politics, have to love them," Natalia says, planting her legs on the table and leaning backwards on her chair.

"Tony doesn't seem to think that way," Captain quietly says.

"Many different factors. Wouldn't want to worry your pretty little patriotic brain with it. Anyways, any developments in Wakanda?" Natalia teases, falling into the role of Natasha Romanoff easily.

"Uhm. We actually came here to ask you for a favour," the Captain sheepishly says.

"The guy woke up. Couldn't stop screaming for you. Apparently assassination attempts really connect people," Falcon says.

Natalia tilts her head and considers, careful to let flashes of emotion to pass through her face.

"Please?" the Captain pleads.

Natalia considers her options. She can put off Julianna for now, Gunther can go fuck himself if he thinks Natalia's going to help him after the incident in 1998. Cara just needed the funds. Besides, she's bored.

"Yeah, I'll do it, but don't expect too much," Natalia warns.

The Captain's face lights up like a house on fire.

8:Criminal or entrepreneurial versatility

James looks like a wild caveman.

Natalia rolls her eyes at the obviously fake screaming and dramatics.

"Oh god, please shut up," Natalia sighs and steps into the containment room.

Captain shoots her a "he's a fragile little flower, be nice" look. Or the "I'm disappointed in you" one.

"You asked to meet me. Now I'm here. What do you want?" Natalia cuts in as James' yelling and thrashing dies down.

"Where have you been?" James asks.

"Here and there. You've been very busy lately, what have you been up to?"

"You look different. Blond hair does not suit you," James frowns.

"Everything suits me, you just have a aftermath of a concussion that is clearly messing with your fashion sense. Considering its emo and punk, I'm not holding out much hope. Now, what do you want?" Natalia asks sharply, grabbing James' chin and making him meet her gaze.

"I don't know," James finally says.

Natalia sneers and lets her hand fall to her side as she leans against a wall.

"I don't know, everything's been a blur. Then, my dreams, I keep seeing you. I asked who the red haired woman I fought was. The blond one, my friend, he says you're Natasha. But I remember, I don't understand, where is my handler?" James screams, jerking in the chair as a fit passed through him.

Natalia calmly stabs the tube of morphine into him as the Wakandan scientists and doctors rush in with guards.

"It's fine, he's remembering. Let him breathe, do clear out," Natalia coolly states.

They all look at each other, murmur something in Xhosa (she needs to learn that language soon, Wakanda is a very advanced monarchy and a useful ally) before leaving.

"Natalia?" James mutters.

Natalia wipes his mouth with a tissue and tosses it into a nearby bin.

"Remember something?"

James' mouth curl into a grimace.

"Tchaikovsky. Bach. Mozart. Ballet. It comes in flashes. What's happening to me Natalia?"

"You be a good boy and sit here. Listen to me. This is your new mission, do not tell anyone, to not speak of it, do not even think of it with anyone or any device nearby, understand? No recording, no message. Verbal, physical, auditory or otherwise. Soldat, keep your time in Red Room a secret. Re invent your identity to become James Buchanan Barnes. Befriend Captain America, stop him from pining. You will not compromise yourself, do not sell yourself to HYDRA or any other intelligence organisation, understand?"

"Yes Hand- I mean yes Natalia," James hastens.

Natalia smiles.

"Good. You're very well trained already. I'm done, I'll take my leave now," Natalia informs a nearby medical who had walked in.

James, Rogers, Stark. It all goes. They get it into their head that the world needs saving, that the world can be saved, and they form a hero complex and try to re-mould it into their idea of a perfect world.

Natalia does no such thing. She does what people are afraid to do, she does what people don't want to be seen doing.

She is a mirror, she shows what the other wants to see, she is made of a layer of diamonds, hard, shiny and luxurious. Natalia has no identity, but she has hundreds of masks and smiles. It just depended on which one she had to use in which scenario.

The Wakandan guards don't trust her as far as they can throw her. The king wants to see the good in her, but knows she will only help if it is beneficial.

Natalia just smiles. Let them see what they want.

9:Incapacity for love

It's not that Natalia didn't understand the loss of so many.

Natalia knew what it meant for trillions of people across the galaxy to die. She knew people lost loved ones, people who were the other half of themselves. Natalia knew. She was trained to spot these signs, to see these factors, to deal with them.

Governments were in chaos. Avengers half broken up.

Natalia was the only functional one. Clearly, Red Room had anticipated all sorts of calamities happening and had equipped her for it.

Natalia assisted in rebuilding efforts when it became clear no one would step up.

Natalia retrieved children, women, men, reunited them. Hacked into governmental lists of civilian profiles and identified the dead. Natalia set up new places for people to live in.

Natalia lost no one she loved. Natalia knew how to rebuild effectively. She was merely passing on the knowledge.

Soon, the Avengers begun to pull themselves together. The disastrous attempt at reversing the Snap was long forgotten.

Natalia is the only one who can do this job properly, so she does it.

She's seen governments topple, regimes fall. She's lived through war after war, her entire life is a battle. This is no different, except on a larger scale.

Fury and Hill also dead. Barton MIA. Captain running a therapy centre. New girl out in space (another one who is functional, thank Fury for that). Stark finally giving up his hero complex and settling down with Potts (another couple to name her godmother to their child, what was it with her and godparenting? Was it some vibe she gave off?).

The media had finally gotten their acts together and begun to dig around for news and explanations. Which meant harassment of the Avengers until Stark decided to get everyone together for a conference meet.

Which meant seeing Banner again, after their failed fake romance of the century which Banner would never stop being awkward for.

"Who in the Avengers have fallen?" One journalist says.

Compared to the usual grand scale events, this dismal one had ten journalists. Ten.

Of course, the losses were great.

No one speaks. Captain looks like he swallowed a frog, Stark looks like he's going to hurl, the alien not-raccoon is three seconds away from killing the journalist.

Natalia internally sighs. So much for collaborative work. And people say Stark or Captain's the leader.

"Our losses were great. Some to the battle, some to the Snap. It's the official term, but some call it the Blip too. A genocidal alien decided to solve world hunger on his own terms. He used 6 stones called the Infinity Stones to snap half of all life away. Amongst the Avengers, many lives were taken, even more in the galaxy. The AI-turned robot Vision, who sacrificed himself to protect the Mind Stone. Wanda Maximoff. Sam Wilson. James Buchanan Barnes, or Bucky. Wakanda's King T'Challa. Aliens Groot, Mantis, Peter Quill, Gamora. Peter Parker. Doctor Stephen Strange. Wong. Maria Hill. Nick Fury. Sharon Carter. Jasper Sitwell but we're all glad that  сука is gone. Scott Lang. Hope Van Dyne. There's so many out there gone. We must remember them in our hearts and minds, this will always be a solemn chapter in history. We must re-build, we must carry forth their legacies. We're working on a memorial for the victims of the Snap, in every state or country around the world. It will be a process, but the victims will not be forgotten. The alien mastermind in question is dead, but we have no way of reversing this. The stones were destroyed, and we can't just make a new one. I think I speak for everyone here when I say I am sorry for your loss, and I am sorry we could not stop this from happening."

There's silent crying from everyone. Natalia blinks.

Emotionality time. Natalia lets her eyes water slightly, but does not waver.

Natalia doesn't know their grief. Natalia can't share their pain, but she'll be there to help, she supposed.

Her work was never over.

10:The last verse

"Let me go," Natalia says.

She was meant for this. Natalia was never particularly religious, but somehow, she knew she was meant to do this.

Fate, destiny, call it what you want.

"Let me go," Natalia breathes out.

No one can kill the Black Widow but herself.

She is the Black Widow, and not even death can take that away from her. The mantle would die with her. The only achievement, the only name for a weapon like her.

"No," Clint cries, fingers tugging insistently on hers.

She'll never regret her decision, but as she tumbles off into the void, as she falls off the cliff, back arched and staring up at the beautiful sky, she somewhat regrets making Clint have to choose between her or the world, and leaving him in the aftermath.

The Black Widow is born in bloodshed, war and fire. The Black Widow dies with an explosion of light, a sacrifice never to be told, and with a beautiful view.

Epilogue

"Natasha was a friend, she was my kids' auntie nat, she was my partner in crime and my other half, besides my wife, of course. I'll never forget the sound of her hitting the bottom of Vormir, or the 1.5 seconds it took for her to reach there, but she'd probably punch me for raining on her parade of her funeral, so, to happy memories with Tasha, and to our wonderful Russian assassin turned Avenger!" Clint smiles, bittersweet tears dropping onto his script as he placed her favourite chess piece, the queen, beside her headstone, an empty grave.

"Natasha Romanoff, or Natalia, was my agent. I was tasked to eliminate her, and the first time we met she tried to kill me with a man's office work shoe and a toothpick. The next few times went about the same way, if I'm being honest. Then Barton disobeys about 100 protocols and orders to bring her in, because he saw someone that just needed a new life, another chance at it. I recognised the decision, and approved it after a lot of screaming at Barton, and being yelled at by the WSC plus Fury. Natalia, or Natasha, was never the perfect human, the wonderful specimen of humanity, but she did what she thought was best and trusted in her own hands, which I can respect. She also wormed her way into my life, just like how Barton forced his way into hers. We became friends. I cat-sitted for her, just because I was the only person she trusted enough with her devil of a cat. And because I was the only one Liho didn't use as a scratch pole. Romanova did give me a ton of paperwork and a year's worth of migraines, but I'm proud to say that I knew her personally, and that she's a good agent, better human." Maria Hill says, placing an old shield badge Natasha had on her grave.

"Romanoff's given me my fair share of headaches, and I hope that in the event she dies, it is doing what she does best, making the right choice. I think Goose will miss you," the hologram of Fury's pre-recorded will says, and shutters off.

"Natasha was never the most openly loving person, but she was an important part of the Avengers. God knows how many punching bags I went through before she intervened and either dragged me to bed by the legs or offered to spar with me. Natasha's the half mom friend, half edgy emo teen of the friend group, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. She's gone on to a better place, I'm sure," Steve Rogers says.

"Our itsy bitsy spider fell down the water spout early, I suppose. If she's gone, the world might not function anymore, wow. But I'll always remember the first official time we met, which was when she stabbed me on the neck with a syringe and injected a foreign substance in me without consent, by the way. But it did save my life, so that's a plus. Anyways, I'm rambling, but she's a scary spider, and I demand she be buried with the Widow's Bites I made. She's the only worthy Black Widow, Avenger extraordinaire and aunt to Morgan to have that," Tony's hologram flickers before shutting off.

"Er, Natasha and I had our ups and downs. I nearly killed her, she pushed me into a crater to make me transform, had a weird phase too, but well, she's Natasha, and she'll do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. We've definitely grown on her though, nothing she says or does can take that back. I wish Natasha Romanoff peace," Bruce Banner gives the headstone an awkward pat.

"Lady Natasha would have made a wonderful Valkyrie, may she travel to Valhalla, may she rise and smell the sweet scent of the immortal fruit and honey," Thor says, sniffing loudly.

-

Moscow, Russia

22 November 2023

"Push!"

Crying, blood spilling out. An exhausted mother, laughing happily as the nurse passes her her child.

A single, small red strand of hair rests on the baby's head, emerald green eyes stare up with an all-knowing stare.

Anastasia Nikolaevna Volkova is born with a tiny smirk and Imperial Romanov-like features.


End file.
